AstroMELBical Proportions

"What if all the atoms in your body were MELBiUM atoms?"
     - Anonymous Asker

That's a fine question, stranger! What WOULD happen if every one of the atoms in your body was replaced with a MELBiUM atom? To answer this, we have to look at the implications at several different levels.

1. Physical Implications

The most obvious consequence of being made of MELBiUM is a severe increase in weight- as the molar mass of MELBiUM is defined to be exactly one mole, we can calculate the mass (in grams) of your body to be equal to the number of atoms in your body. According to the Thomas Jefferson National Accelerator Facility, the average 70 kg human body has approximately 7E27 atoms. This gives us a body weight of 7E27 g, or 7 septillion kilograms. Fun comparisons, please:

• 7 septillion kg is approximately equal to 1.17 Earths!
• 7 septillion kg of water is enough to grow 496 sextillion pounds of tilapia, and that many kg of food can feed those tilapia for 57 days!

Ok, now that we have a sense of scale, what exactly would happen if you weighed more than the entire earth? Surely you would collapse into a black hole because of the sheer density of your body, right?

The ability of an object to collapse into a black hole is determined by the Schwarzschild radius, or the radius by which light can no longer escape the gravitational field of an object. The radius is determined by mass alone, and the equation r = 2GM/c^2 gives our MELBiUM body a Schwarzschild radius of 10.36 millimeters. Well, unless you happen to have the volume of a 2x2x2 Lego brick, that's not happening. It's close, though- only a few orders of magnitude off.

So, your body wouldn't instantly collapse into a black hole. That's disappointing. However, the sheer density of your body would still wreak havoc.

The densest naturally occurring substance on Earth is Osmium, element number 76, weighing in at 22.59 grams/cm^3. That's not even close to what the density of our MELBiUM man is- assuming an pre-MELBiUM average density of 1.05 g/ml and weight of 70 kg, our new density would still be 1.05...E20 grams/cm^3. That puts Osmium to shame.

The effects of having an object with the mass of 1.17 Earths ON Earth is not well-documented so I won't go into too much detail on that. Needless to say, the Earth would change a lot.

2. Molecular Implications

If your body was entirely composed of MELBiUM its bonds would change as well. The closest element we can use to estimate the properties of MELBiUM is Iodine (element 53), as the properties of Astatine are quite hard to determine and have also been estimated using Iodine.

Let's first take a look at how MELBiUM bonds. Most elements can only bond to as many elements as the number of valence electrons they have, or eight minus that number for nonmetals. Iodine, however, (which is in this case analogous to MELBiUM) and most nonmetals beyond Neon can have what's called an expanded octet. This is when the extra electrons occupy the next electron sub shell, generally the d orbital. The existing s and p orbitals hybridize with the d orbital and the electrons occupy an energy level that is in between that of the three hybridized orbitals.

Source: http://www.mikeblaber.org/oldwine/chm1045/notes/Bonding/Except/Bond08.htm

See this molecule for example: the Iodine in the center is able to bond to four Chlorine atoms and have two additional lone pairs, for a total of 12 electrons. It exhibits dsp^2 hybridization.

Use this handy dandy chart to determine hybridization type!

So, based on the properties of Iodine we can extrapolate and assume that MELBiUM will also exhibit this hybridization.

What now? Well, let's take a look at the most common compound in your body: dihydrogen monoxide, or hydrogen hydroxide, or hydroxic/hydric/hydroxilic/hydroxyl acid, or oxidane, or H2O, or water!

Source: http://thechemguys.blogspot.com/2011/06/lewis-diagrams.html

Water's pretty important. As in, it makes up 60% of your body. Here's an example of what it would look like if the atoms were MELBiUM:

Source: ME!!! I'm so proud of myself :)

It is technically possible to manipulate MELBiUM into any sort of organic molecule we might encounter, the extreme instability of the molecule would force it apart with the slightest disturbance. In short, your molecules would explode. You would become a ball of MELBiUM, held together by your own gravitational force, and not... strictly human.

Source: the indefatigable Kelly Chen

3. Atomic Implications

Insofar, we have made a pretty generous assumption: MELBiUM is an element that exists and is stable. Ha.

Let's continue assuming that MELBiUM exists, and for this article's sake let's have some fudged article on how MELBiUM actually exists on an island of stability. What would it look like, anyway?

Source: http://hudsonvalleygeologist.blogspot.com/2011/12/scale-of-atoms.html

Here's a grossly simplified view of an atom. There are protons, neutrons, and electrons; the protons and neutrons form the nucleus at the center while the electrons whiz about the nucleus in certain patterns.

Source: https://scienceconceptions.wikispaces.com/Orbiting+Electrons

The spaces that you will most likely find a particular electron are called orbitals. Don't get confused- the electrons are orbiting the nucleus, but they are not doing it in a specific or even continuous path. The orbitals only describe probabilities, nothing more; electrons are apt to teleport around everywhere so determining exact positions is pretty much impossible, as given by Heisenberg and Schrodinger in their eponymous principles.

One interesting effect due to the random distribution of electrons in an atom is that at a given moment, there are generally more electrons on one side of the atom than the other. This creates a very small, instantaneous dipole moment, which can then induce other nearby atoms to align charges and create attraction between them. This inter-molecular force or IMF is called Melbon- I mean, London Dispersion Forces.

Source: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/explanation-of-intermolecular-forces-with-examples.html

Whew, that was some hardcore knowledge. The point is that the more electrons in an atom, the more it tends to have greater dipole moments, as there is a greater overall chance that the electrons are more concentrated in one area. MELBiUM, with 117 electrons, would have the strongest London Dispersion Forces of any known element.

This means, on an atomic level, the lump of MELBiUM that you have become will be very melcissistic- that is, it will be strongly attracted to itself, and therefore have a very high boiling point. This isn't even taking into account the unique property of MELBiUM- its massiveness. While gravity is negligible in normal inter-molecular (or inter-atomic, in this case) attraction, we need to factor it in for MELBiUM.

The equation for the attraction between two objects due to gravity is given by:

F(grav) = (G * m(1) * m(2)) / d^2

Where G is the gravitational constant 6.673E-11 N*m^2/kg^2. Assuming that the atoms of MELBiUM stay the same distance apart as in a normal atom (again using Iodine as a convenient approximation), 266.6 picometers, we get F(grav) = (6.673 x 10^-11 N*m^2/kg^2 * 0.001 kg * 0.001 kg) / (1E-12)^2 = 66730000 (67 billion) newtons of force! That's enough to break 4390 ft of solid brick, and that's just for a single atom! To overcome the gravitational attraction of our MELBiUM man and sublimate him, we'd need around 467 decillion newtons O.O

This means that MELBiUM would be extremely difficult to change the state of. Even though it's sublime, MELBiUM gas would be incredibly hard to produce.

Conclusion

Well, first of all, you'd most certainly be dead. I mean seriously, you just turned into a giant ball of an element that has nothing to do with life as we know it. What do you expect?

After your rather untimely death, the pile of MELBiUM formerly known as you would attract and be attracted to the Earth and they would merge together. The denser and harder MELBiUM would probably be enveloped by the less dense Earth and reside somewhere in the middle of the Earth, leaving a gigantic scar where the MELBiUM has sunken into. The Earth's orbit around the Sun would most likely change as well- the weather and the seasons would never be the same again. The increased mass would alter the orbit of Earth to make it more elliptical and alternate between a habitat that is much too hot to sustain life and one that is much too cold. If those engineers don't start building those bunkers yet, humans and all of live would be screwed.

But then again, imagine the epic feeling of emerging from a bunker after half a year of scorching, inhospitable weather to enjoy a few days of spring before the Earth strays too far away and ends up becoming a popsicle. Sounds rather romantic, doesn't it? (BTW that idea is hereby copyrighted for a future book or something)

-Evan